In Loving Memory of My Beloved Grandpa

^()^ PIETER EDWARD SIANTURI (RIP) ^()^

15TH APRIL 1928 – 18TH FEBRUARY 2005

“I know the old days wouldn’t ever be back –The days when we’re together. 

Our body may be separated, but memories live forever. 

A silent grief that’s in my hearts, no human’s eye might trace. 

The broken heart is hid beneath my smiling face.”

Today is the day of a memory so sad, of an amazing man I loved and wish I still have. It was 18th February 2005 , I lost him forever. I lost my Grandpa, someone that I do really love and who loves me much. No more warm embrace but a cold body lying inside the coffin that broke my heart. No more jokes and laughs but a numb face sleeps with no expression at all. This time, I am all alone and away. Nobody I can talk with and there’s nothing else I can do either –only grieving and remembering.

Experiencing someone with all the senses we have is how all the memories are burned into head and hearts. That’s all what I'm feeling right now. As two years passed by since he left me, my being has been no longer able to stand myself keeping on silent since I miss him so much. Just the memories --every single memory, sometimes sounded like his heavy voice calling my name with smile and love, sensed like the calm night with the comforting hymns playing along the night when he laid his body down on the bed where I slept too, just after we pray together. I miss them all. I am just so lonely because there has no more time left experiencing Grandpa, my hero and inspiration --in terms of senses. Nor I can see his handsome face, and just memories are left.

My earliest memory, he brought me travelled around the village. Days are always cold there. We used to go to the hot spring a bit far from home. Along the road I asked him so many questions and I know he was proud of me, proud of having a curious grandson. He answered all that I asked him and made sure I was satisfied. Then, we waited till the sun rises while having and sharing our breakfast; bread, milk, and some boiled eggs. When he would be retired, we used to have a long journey to our new home in Medan. He knew how to drive safely. We would stop by at the Lake and enjoy the green hills surrounding the large beautiful Toba Lake. I wish he could teach me how to drive the car like he did but he passed away so soon!

When I was  a teen, he taught me responsibility. I had to tell him what time I'd be home before I go anywhere. And once, I ever broke my promise. I went to a friend's house and I came home late at night. As I stepped into the yard, I saw him sitting in front of the haouse. He had been waiting in our terrace. I tought he would be mad but no he didn't. His words were, "You made us worry about you. You should not break your promise again! Go showering! I haven't eaten my dinner because you're not home yet. We've been waiting for you, grandson!". I felt so sorry. I was moved but guilty. It taught me how to respect a promise and how to be responsible with everything we say.

I loved when we were watching TV together on his old brown sofa. Or maybe watching Lassie, or Air Bud, or Home Alone when the holiday seasons come. We laughed together. Sometimes we played his favourite music and sang and danced together. I sat next to him and put my head on his shoulder. I did over and over although he felt tired with my heavy head. He would talk to me “Young man shouldn’t be that frail!" Then I smiled at him and said I loved his gray hair and how it was really cool. Eventually he would laugh!  Yes, Grandpa is a man of considerable

charm and intelligence and humor and grace! That brown sofa was also the favourite place where he read books or newspaper. He told me that book is a precious stuff. His special glass was always available on the table nearby but not now anymore. I feel something has missed without Grandpa and his glass filled with milk or water or coffee after he passed away. And sitting down there is now a very deep loneliness. I was crying when my auntie, Rose, unintentionally tore the posters grandpa bought to me when I was about seven. She forced to take a nap but I didn't want to. Then I ran to grandpa, telling him what's going on. He caressed my hair. How beautiful it was because after that we had a chitchat in our backyard together with grandma. Looking at our tomatoes which have started to get red. He gave me so many precious advices and the breeze gently calmed the situation. Remembering our backyard is remembering Grandpa's voices telling me stories and advices.

I didn’t get through some years ago on the day he has to come back home in Medan. After I moved to Java for studying when I was eleven, he visited me once. It felt like my life comes back along his visit. I used to be in a rush after school because I wanted to meet him soon everyday. Two weeks passed and he had to leave for Medan. I know it was difficult. After eleven years together, I must live with my Mom, leaving grandpa and grandma, and our green backyard. Even though we could finally meet again, the time moved quickly. It's just to weeks after that happy moment was ended. I couldn't take him to the port. Then we said goodbye when before I went to school. His voice communicated that it hurts and I have never felt more sad than I did that time. He said he would leave soon that morning. I said, "I want you to stay a bit longer. I will miss you so much!” to which he responded “We will meet again later. Just pray everything will be okay. I do love you!” I never felt once in all my life. We both said “I love you!” several times and I cried in his embrace. I know how he loved me and would miss me that time. But I had never known he would cry too. He’d never been so. I think we both knew that there’s nothing could explain how we felt that time. That was the first time I saw him crying. And that’s because of his love to his grandson.

When I had to move to Java, it was like a sharp knife suddenly come and pour out pains all over my body. I saw that familiar handsome and beautiful faces, his face and grandma's, looking at me. Those hands waved at me --I will never be able to forget that in all of my life. Mom and I couldn't stand the tears. I was just eleven and my was too lame to realize that I'm leaving two precious figures that soon, that far. I didn't know what makes me to make up my decision to leave them and go with my Mom easily, yet I do love mom too. We're just still in love. In the warmest love between grandparents and a grandson. All the sweet memories, all the times I spent with them --as its best, blazzed and filled up my brain. I wanted to stay with them a bit longer but I felt like so numb. It's getting more inexplicable after those two gentle faces disappeared over the horizon..i was in a deppest sadness. Those faces of love and care were no longer in my sight.

Grandpa, a brave man with so many interests and talents. I have been thinking how he was able to manage our large backyard and grandma’s vegetables garden. He was a good husband because he would never let grandma works too hard in her vegetables garden. He would ask grandma to stop working when it seems too wearing for her. Grandpa was a hard worker and never complaining. He loved working in his backyard. How joyful it was to help him taking care of the small farm, catching fish from our water pond, harvesting the corn, raising the hens and build their houses. Before the sun sets we would ask our dog, Lobo, walking around the neighbourhood. He never forget to feed Lobo and sometimes we trained him how to give a hello-jump or how to pick up goods. Grandpa's dogs were the smartest dogs I've ever had and so was Lobo. Spending the time with grandpa is like learning all things good and fun...and the memories are unforgottable.

He was so meticulous. No wonder because he was retired from military army. His works were always succeeding because he did everything with discipline and determination. That's what he taught me. He wants me to be a good boy then a good man, to be a hard worker with discipline and determination. I have never remembered him being in a rush when he wants to go somewhere. I could keep his promises; he acts as the way he speaks. His words were yes, yes; nay, nay! He placed goods in their places and he was always the one helping us looking for something we forget where was kept. How I was so sad seeing Grandma was sadly in lost. She lost part of her life, soul, body, and brain --and so I did.

Grandpa is always full of stories. The story of his love life in Bandung and how he met Grandma and came to be a blessed couple. Always told on how Mom had suffered in her life and how I should honour her and make her happy. How to realize that I should become Mom's guard in the future. Told me how he lost his mother just as soon as he was born and lived separately with his family. Struggling hard to get success and living a very rough life. Told me how to be a man, how to behave, how to love and forgive others as God has loved us first,  how to be a faithfull friend to anyone, how to be a good daddy someday, and how to lead the family with love and charisma. Even though it's been my character not to give up in the hardest situation and not to loose hope before I can change the bad circumstances in life, I would never know how to act out if he didn't tell me the story of his life. He showed me how to be a quality human being through actions and behavior. He showed me, through his actions, about courage. Never give up no in whatsoever circumstances. Also that there are times when you don't feel like doing something but it is the right thing to do!

I can't forget the time I accompanied him taking his pension. We would go to the market and having lunch in the nearest restaurant. He's a Grandpa and a friend for me. See, I would take some of his lunch because it was too much for him. It  happened many of times we had meal together outside home. Those were the times he told me the table manner, how you should use the spoon, fork, and knife. Where to put glasses and how to sit properly.

I remember I even got to teach him something, once -- I taught Grandpa and Grandma how to play Mario Bross or Galaxy, or Islander, or Felix The Cat, my favourite nintendo games. I also taught him how to play monopoly, ludo, snakes and ladders, and yes we did play together. We used to spend my vacancy

such way in our living room, or sometimes hanging out  in the terrace enjoying the green park in our front yard where we could see a cute single pine tree with the green grass around it.  Sometimes I would pick up some fruits from our lime tree that never stops bearing fruits to make the somboy, my favourite

sweets, tastes better.

I will miss the moments he bought me the encyclopedia that I still keep till now. Having that book made me asked him more questions everyday we were together and he was always the same. A loving grandpa that loves his grandson with unconditional love. Thing I love most is when we went to the church for the sunday service. How pleasing it was when we sang the hymns together. I sat next to him, as a happy Grandpa and his Grandson loosing up all burdens in the sabbath day. Sharing love and smiles to family, relatives, and friends. That's how most of my memories are, slices of time spent together. Grandpa, he was a major figure in my childhood and remained constant throughout my life.

I believe that Grandpa want me to keep going on. Yet, losing Grandpa has been one of the hardest thing I have to face.

"Grandpa, I cannot sleep and all alone --thinking of you! When I was with my Deutsch book and trying to understand what it tells, I suddenly remembered how you said 'Auf Wiedersehen!' before you hang up the phone, just few weeks before your death. I have never never imagined that would be a true 'Auf Wiedersehen' from you. The true last 'Auf Wiedersehen' which makes me to loose a best teacher in the whole world wide! I have your watch! Your 40 years old watch is with me now. Somehow it brings tears to my eyes when I hold it and my thoughts can't go off of you! You were the best daddy in my life. Yes, a grandpa, a daddy, and a best friend. There won't be anyone who can teach me the history of our ancestors nor teach me Dutch with love and humour. I am so sorry because I even couldn't found the new glasses you needed. You passed away before your 77th birthday!"

"Grandpa, you will never know, in the day of your funeral, just when your casket was going to be closed, I screamed loudly..., soooo loudly!! I had been next to your chasket looking at your cold face. Kissing your cold hands and face, caressing your shining gray-white hair. I lost my control because I knew I had lost my daddy figure --beside my dad, forever. I was devastated! I did realize that I was no longer able to touch your face or beard or shoulder. That was the last time I can touch them. We just can believe that you're in heaven watching over us. I felt with you sometimes. Thanks for coming so many times to my dreams. I know that you love me so much and I hope you know how much you were loved! Our faith strengthens me pullin trough. The Lord helped me to make our dreams come true. I wished you were here with me seeing me in college, the college you dreamed I could enter in. My life hasn't been so easy without you, though. Grandpa, I missed you, I'm missing you, and I will miss you so much! Grandma, Mom, Daniel, Samuel, your beloved Grandchildren, they all are misssing you too! We miss you badly! Thanks for protecting me for so long. Thanks for everything you taught me. Until we meet again in the peaceful place has been planned for us! Just rest assured, Grandpa! We will never forget all things you said! We love you dearly! You're my hero and will always be! I want to be just like you!"

Forever in our toughts!

Your Grandson,

Guntur Purwanto